Sunday, August 15, 2010

Tell It Like It Is

I'm not sure it gets much better than this. Really, I think I am experiencing bliss, and it feels so great. Life with a new baby is somewhat like being intoxicated, but without the bad ending. Time seems to just fly by in a blur, which is almost infuriating when I'm having so much fun. And probably equally as infuriating to my various friends and family members who don't get return phone calls, and when they do, I always have to preface with "I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner, but..." and what I want to finish with is "I'm just so preoccupied with my family I can't bear to stop and return phone calls." And besides, if I did you'd have to know that on the other end of the line lies a breastfeeding baby, a squealing toddler that is pretending to fence with me and keeps hitting me with his sword while saying "On Guard!", all while a certain 9 year old is standing right next to the phone pretending like she's not eavesdropping but really hanging on every word.

Lately I find my days so full and colorful, and yet when they're over I feel sad that I couldn't record them. I lay in bed and words rush through that I wish I had the energy to put on paper, but I'm so exhuasted and I'm already in bed and it's late. Too late. Or I'll have a fantastic blog post running through my head - but the computer's off and so are all the lights in the house and I'm just not getting up. But I think I've been feeling especially grateful and sensitive lately because I know that this time is only mine for a minute, and that soon I will have to return to work and I'll have less of it. So while I'm here, there are a few things I ought to spit out:

Kim is the best husband in the world. I know he's in physical pain and he's got a lot on his shoulders, but every single morning he gets up and gets the kids ready and lets me sleep a little. Even weekends. When I think he should stay home and rest because he looks like he needs it, he straps on his shoes and goes anyway, because he wants to bring home the bacon. He loves us, and we love him.

Zyan is the most incredible 9 year old - she amazes me every day with the love she has for her little brother and sister, her desire to help and the way she effortlessly mothers her siblings, her incredible patience for it all, her humor, her strenth, and most importantly her self confidence and love. She is fully aware of the internal beauty she possesses as a unique and individual person, yet she has the same awareness of the beauty of those around her. In her words "Everyone is perfect."

Adlai has surpassed any expectation I could have had for him, in all areas. He is such a firecracker, and can bring me to tears with laughter in the things he says and does. I had no idea what having a boy would do to me, and it literally has changed my views on so many things - parenting being a big one! He teaches me more and more each day, and I am so grateful to have him as my son. Watching him with Paisley has been one of the most gratifying experiences I have had in life. He has such deep love and concern for her, it's almost as if he's known her his whole life. The sound of her cry will cause him to drop everything and run to her, to console her, kiss her, hug her, and tell her it's alright because he's there. And it is. She loves him just the same.

Paisley has changed me. Since the moment I found out she was growing inside me, she has brought me nothing but gifts and joy. She has reminded me of a belief that I have always thought to be true, but in the recent years had a hard time really living - the universe will take care of me no matter what, and good things are coming. Staring into her eyes will evoke the most beautiful baby smile, every single time. She loves to look deep into my eyes, and we'll just sit and do that while she nurses, sometimes smiling and giggling, and other times just looking into each other. Her energy is so positive and happy and calm - she spends her time either sleeping soundly, sitting quietly, or engaging those around her with smiles and giggles. When she needs something she politely lets me know with a little wail that is less than a cry. Such a sweetheart.

And me, well I'm loving every moment. Having this time off from work has brought me some well needed perspective. I am reminded that I am not stuck, that I can be (and have been) inspired and creative, and that there is a whole lot more to me than I even know. I have confirmation that being home with my kids really *is* what I want, and that I have a lot of talents that will allow me to do that when the time is right. I am also very thankful for the job I do have, and don't regret having it for a second. I have been very fortunate in the last 10 years, and I am thankful for that.

Funny, this post went down a totally different path than I originally intended. When I wrote it in my head, I was finally going to get a little "spicy" and say something maybe a little controversial for once. Instead I got all gushy, but just for kicks I'll say it anyway. I was going to write about the fact that since I have been home for the last 6 months with my kids, I can say with every cell in my body that there is NO WAY that being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world like everyone wants you to believe. Nope. Being a working mom is the hardest job in the world. Through my eyes, anyway. Being a working mom just means you have all the same duties as a SAHM but less time to do them, plus all the work duties! Not to metion the sadness and guilt you experience. Bleh. If it is really the hardest job in the world then why don't all the SAHM's run for the workplace? LOL.

For the record, I am talking about strictly SAHM's like what I've been doing for the last 6 months. Added jobs like homeschooling, working at home, running a farm, etc. are JOBS in my opinion and so are part of the working mom group. Funny that I even thought to write "running a farm" but I actually have a friend who does that and it's not your average SAHM gig, let me tell ya.

But seriously, if I had to pick between doing dishes, cleaning up pee puddles on the floor, walking out to my front porch to find my toddler naked with a hose and mud dripping down my front door and all over him while my baby barfs in my hair and my oldest yells at me from the shower to bring her a towel and the dinner burns on the stove as the guests pull into the driveway and the dog runs out to hug them - and leaving my kids to go to work every day???? Sorry, but work just isn't that interesting.