Mommy Success.

I feel a mommy fail has occurred. I honestly thought it had maybe been a couple of months since my last blog post... maybe 3 at most. Instead, I just counted on my fingers, "ok, October - 1,2,3,4,5,6,7......what WHAT?!?!?" IT'S BEEN SEVEN MONTHS since I blogged?!? And even that last one was a one liner, so really eight months since my last real post. ARGH!! Is this what happens when you have 3 kids? You lose all sense of time, feel like you have alzheimer's, and then feel horribly guilty about silly things? Oh wait, I think that actually happened after my first child. There's the alzheimers again. Apparently it gets worse with each child and some nice mother dubbed it "mommy brain" just to make us all feel better, but let's face it, it's alzheimers.

So, why is it a mommy fail that I haven't blogged? Well, because I haven't been any better at writing in my journal, and that means I haven't recorded the good stuff for most of the first year of Paisley's life, which is a pretty important year. Guilty. The truth is, I've had a pretty hard time catching my breath since I went back to work, and I just don't have the energy. I hate it that I don't, but I really just don't.

Ok, enough looking back at what I should've done, here's what we've been up to:
Paisley is turning ONE!! I really can't believe it, this Sunday she'll be a year old! She is so cute and funny and sweet and her little personality is blooming lately. She reminds me SO much of Adlai. She has his crazy funny personality and the slightly (hah!) stubborn side too. She has Zyan's big eyes and very widely spaced two front teeth, although her eyes are a beautiful shade of brown that turn slightly green in the light. She is very advanced like Zyan always was - she started walking at 10 months and hasn't stopped since! But she is slightly mischeivous like her brother, and likes to tease and play. She LOVES her big brother and sister so much, and watching them all together is a blessing that I couldn't have imagined. Zyan is like a second mommy to her and Adlai is almost like her twin - they get along perfectly and Adlai always protects her. We are having a big party for her this Sunday for her birthday, and it is a Paisley theme. I got some really pretty paisley patterned fabric for accents and she is going to have a cake to match and of course herself! I will definitely post pictures afterward...

Adlai turned 3 and is as cute as can be these days. He says THE most hilarious things. I wish some of them would come to mind but the alzheimers is really hitting me hard these days. Some of his more memorable events in the last couple of months have included drinking river water from a shoe while we were camping, attempting to see what would happen with scissors near his penis (thankfully Kim caught him before he actually got to see what would happen,) and playing in the bathroom with water only for me to come in and find him sucking on the sponge I used to clean the tub with. EW ew ew!! That one topped the gross charts for me. Oh, and apparently last night he hid Kim's keyes in the "trunk" of a toy car he has. This morning after searching frantically for an hour, Kim woke up Adlai and asked where his keys were. "In my underwear," Adlai responded. (This was because last night before he hid them, he actually did walk around with them in his underwear for awhile.) Finally after several times asking where they were, Kim told Adlai if he found them he could watch cartoons. Within one minute I hear "DADDYYYYY!!! I FOUND YOUR KEYS!!!! I FOUND THEM!! LOOK!!! I GET TO WATCH CARTOONS!" And sure enough he did. Bribery works, people!

Miss Zyan just turned 10, and she is such a sweetheart. She is just as helpful as she could possibly be, and so sweet and kind. I do feel guilty (ugh, there it is again!) that I often seem so busy and preoccupied that I don't feel like I get enough real one on one quality time with her. I feel lucky that she gets in the car and recaps the days events, but I think I have to earn that kind of trust with her and I definitely need more time alone with her. Plus, the brunt of being the oldest is that you give up your quality mama and papa time for the next littles down, and sometimes I just feel for her because I remember what that was like. She never complains though. These days she is back into heavy gymnastics, training for level 4 competitions this fall. She goes 4 days a week for 2.5 hours each time. She works really hard and I am very proud of her for setting goals for herself and working hard toward them. Gymnastics is such a long term sport - there is really not much instant gratification if any - and the physical exertion could be exhuasting to some, but again she never complains. She is right in the middle of the pre-adolescent drama that starts around 4th grade, the mine is better than yours, the making fun of others, even name calling, but thankfully she hasn't had to bear too much personally. She has had a few times where she comes home sobbing because a friend was mean or hurt her feelings, and even went through a short period where she said she was feeling very alone. My heart broke for her, but I was so proud that she was even able to articulate those feelings. Thankfully, that stage seemed to last only a week tops.
I love that girl.

As for me and Kim, we are constantly striving for me to be a stay at home mom. I guess we'll just keep on striving until we reach the goal, eh? Not much other choice, really. Kim wants so badly for me to be home, and he is so talented, so I have faith that it WILL happen. I love that man.

Ahhhhh. Success.

'Nuff Said!

I had a very long and involved and EXCITING dream last night. I dream that we got a dishwasher.....

'Nuff said.

Whew! What Just Happened?

I figured since September came and almost went, I better get on here. First order of business- saving lives. I just ordered my FREE kit from Be the Match - the online bone marrow donor registry. You can save lives by simply ordering the FREE kit, doing a couple of saliva swabs, and sending them off in hopes that you will be the match for someone in need. So I did it! Have you? Do it now, here! It's so easy and did I mention it's FREE? I sound like a commerical. But seriously, leukemia is curable and your bone marrow just may do the trick, so give it a shot will ya?! If you need a little nudge, read this post of mine.

Alright, next order of business - be thankful. Here's a list: I am thankful that....

Micah is going to be okay.
I just got 7 months off to spend with my family and 6 of them were paid.
I have an awesome husband and awesome kids.
I found my 13 year old cat tonight that has been missing for 10 days.
He's not dead. He's hurt, but not dead.
I'm still BFF's with my BFF from pre-school. Yup, 4 yrs old, first real friend, Francesca. Love that girl.
My face isn't as wrinkly as my hands.
My kids are healthy.
I'm not fat. Plump, but not fat.
I'm happy.

I've been having weird dreams lately. (Oh, we're done with the thankful thing. Moving on now.) I often lay in bed at night and come up with really amazing and sometimes even profound blog posts.... they never make it to the keyboard though because it's always just before I drift off. So annoying that I can't access that creative part of my brain when I'm really awake. Anyway, I went to sleep and dreamt up this AMAZING blog! Only to wake up and not be able to reproduce it at all. I do that with clothing designs too. In my dreams I'm a genius designer, and then I wake up and can't recall the important details. Oh well. At least I've got it in my dreams. Ha!

Tell It Like It Is

I'm not sure it gets much better than this. Really, I think I am experiencing bliss, and it feels so great. Life with a new baby is somewhat like being intoxicated, but without the bad ending. Time seems to just fly by in a blur, which is almost infuriating when I'm having so much fun. And probably equally as infuriating to my various friends and family members who don't get return phone calls, and when they do, I always have to preface with "I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you sooner, but..." and what I want to finish with is "I'm just so preoccupied with my family I can't bear to stop and return phone calls." And besides, if I did you'd have to know that on the other end of the line lies a breastfeeding baby, a squealing toddler that is pretending to fence with me and keeps hitting me with his sword while saying "On Guard!", all while a certain 9 year old is standing right next to the phone pretending like she's not eavesdropping but really hanging on every word.

Lately I find my days so full and colorful, and yet when they're over I feel sad that I couldn't record them. I lay in bed and words rush through that I wish I had the energy to put on paper, but I'm so exhuasted and I'm already in bed and it's late. Too late. Or I'll have a fantastic blog post running through my head - but the computer's off and so are all the lights in the house and I'm just not getting up. But I think I've been feeling especially grateful and sensitive lately because I know that this time is only mine for a minute, and that soon I will have to return to work and I'll have less of it. So while I'm here, there are a few things I ought to spit out:

Kim is the best husband in the world. I know he's in physical pain and he's got a lot on his shoulders, but every single morning he gets up and gets the kids ready and lets me sleep a little. Even weekends. When I think he should stay home and rest because he looks like he needs it, he straps on his shoes and goes anyway, because he wants to bring home the bacon. He loves us, and we love him.

Zyan is the most incredible 9 year old - she amazes me every day with the love she has for her little brother and sister, her desire to help and the way she effortlessly mothers her siblings, her incredible patience for it all, her humor, her strenth, and most importantly her self confidence and love. She is fully aware of the internal beauty she possesses as a unique and individual person, yet she has the same awareness of the beauty of those around her. In her words "Everyone is perfect."

Adlai has surpassed any expectation I could have had for him, in all areas. He is such a firecracker, and can bring me to tears with laughter in the things he says and does. I had no idea what having a boy would do to me, and it literally has changed my views on so many things - parenting being a big one! He teaches me more and more each day, and I am so grateful to have him as my son. Watching him with Paisley has been one of the most gratifying experiences I have had in life. He has such deep love and concern for her, it's almost as if he's known her his whole life. The sound of her cry will cause him to drop everything and run to her, to console her, kiss her, hug her, and tell her it's alright because he's there. And it is. She loves him just the same.

Paisley has changed me. Since the moment I found out she was growing inside me, she has brought me nothing but gifts and joy. She has reminded me of a belief that I have always thought to be true, but in the recent years had a hard time really living - the universe will take care of me no matter what, and good things are coming. Staring into her eyes will evoke the most beautiful baby smile, every single time. She loves to look deep into my eyes, and we'll just sit and do that while she nurses, sometimes smiling and giggling, and other times just looking into each other. Her energy is so positive and happy and calm - she spends her time either sleeping soundly, sitting quietly, or engaging those around her with smiles and giggles. When she needs something she politely lets me know with a little wail that is less than a cry. Such a sweetheart.

And me, well I'm loving every moment. Having this time off from work has brought me some well needed perspective. I am reminded that I am not stuck, that I can be (and have been) inspired and creative, and that there is a whole lot more to me than I even know. I have confirmation that being home with my kids really *is* what I want, and that I have a lot of talents that will allow me to do that when the time is right. I am also very thankful for the job I do have, and don't regret having it for a second. I have been very fortunate in the last 10 years, and I am thankful for that.

Funny, this post went down a totally different path than I originally intended. When I wrote it in my head, I was finally going to get a little "spicy" and say something maybe a little controversial for once. Instead I got all gushy, but just for kicks I'll say it anyway. I was going to write about the fact that since I have been home for the last 6 months with my kids, I can say with every cell in my body that there is NO WAY that being a stay at home mom is the hardest job in the world like everyone wants you to believe. Nope. Being a working mom is the hardest job in the world. Through my eyes, anyway. Being a working mom just means you have all the same duties as a SAHM but less time to do them, plus all the work duties! Not to metion the sadness and guilt you experience. Bleh. If it is really the hardest job in the world then why don't all the SAHM's run for the workplace? LOL.

For the record, I am talking about strictly SAHM's like what I've been doing for the last 6 months. Added jobs like homeschooling, working at home, running a farm, etc. are JOBS in my opinion and so are part of the working mom group. Funny that I even thought to write "running a farm" but I actually have a friend who does that and it's not your average SAHM gig, let me tell ya.

But seriously, if I had to pick between doing dishes, cleaning up pee puddles on the floor, walking out to my front porch to find my toddler naked with a hose and mud dripping down my front door and all over him while my baby barfs in my hair and my oldest yells at me from the shower to bring her a towel and the dinner burns on the stove as the guests pull into the driveway and the dog runs out to hug them - and leaving my kids to go to work every day???? Sorry, but work just isn't that interesting.

Sweet Love

Zyan and Adlai were wrestling on the floor. From the closet I could hear the grunting and the "GRRRR" and then the collapse and giggles. And then again "GRRRR, eh, eeeee, mmmmm,...... ha ha ha ha ha," and squeals of laughter. Once more, "GRRRR, eeekkkk, huuuuu" and then in a tiny whisper I hear Zyan: "I love you Adlai" and in his husky little whisper back "I love you too."

I wanna....

I wanna....
Be a stay at home mom
Get paid while doing it
Read lots of good books
Start by reading a book period
Get my house clean
Keep my house clean
Put my makeup on in the house instead of the car
Give to others
Teach my kids to give to others
Grow more, buy less
Write in my journal more
Blog more
Organize photos
Be inspired
Inspire others
Live in the moment
Plan for the future
Have more BBQ's
Share a bottle of wine with someone
Paint my toes



Win the lottery.

Mama...... is a pushover.

For the first time in what feels like an eternity, I got to snuggle alone with my boy tonight before bed. Kim has taken on the bedtime duties since Paisley's arrival, and I've been missing those sweet nightime snuggles.

We sat in the dark on the couch in his room, him on my lap with his arms around me, and I realized it was one of those moments I'll never forget. No apparent reason, just silence and the snuggles. Finally, he said "Mama, you sing me songs."

"You want me to sing me your nightime songs?"
"Yes, Mama."
"Ok, I'll sing you your nighttime songs, and then it's time for you to go to sleep in your bed, ok?"
"Ok, Mama."
So together we sang ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Away in the Manger like we do every night. As soon as we were done:

"Mama, I hungry."
"We already ate dinner, it's time for bed."
"Mama, I want water."
"No need for water now, it's time for bed."
"Mama, I want Daddy."
"We already said goodnight to Daddy, it's time for bed."
"Mama, I want Zyan."
"Time for bed."
"Mama, I want socks."
??? He has a point there, he didn't have socks on. But I was on to his game.
"It's time for bed Adlai, time for sleep."
"Mama, I want to go to the beach."

As hard as it was, I refrained from laughing hysterically and congratulating him on his hard work, creativity, and refusal to give up. Then I carried him to his bed and said goodnight one last time.

And somehow, that determined little 2 year old is on the couch with Kim and Zyan watching a movie and eating popcorn at this very moment.